1-10-08: Relevant "R" words...

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One year passes and a new one begins. Although I have lost some things, I am compelled to look at 2007 in retrospect and gain a new respect for life... a riveting, yet risky, business. In fact, a lot of relevant "R" words can be applied to my recent past as I carefully reflect and try to implement a productive (and safer) future.

Resonate. As a verb, it means to produce or be filled with a deep, full reverberating sound. During my rehabilitation, I have felt a strange, intermittent physical sensation that happens at random times and with certain movements that require a concentrated effort, like doing sit-ups or getting up out of bed or a chair after not moving for a while. It starts as an involuntary, tingling shudder deep within my torso and seems to resonate in my ears, and then dissipate out my limbs to my hands and feet until I reach the apex of my efforts... similar, I suppose, to the involuntary urge to stretch, or being unable to stop shivering when you're too cold. I've concluded that the impact I sustained last September not only broke bones, but traumatized my very being and my body and nervous system are still working it out.

"Resonate" used figuratively evokes or suggests images, memories, and emotions. With regards to the moment of impact, I have no memory... though unpleasant images and conflicting emotions from the aftermath still and will remain.

Resolutions. A firm decision to do or not to do something. Can I decide to not let it happen ever again? Yes... if I never venture forth again to prevent being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or hunker down in a closet, close the door and never come out. No... because I want to live life, and sh--, I mean, accidents happen... even with the best of precautions.

Resolution is also used in chemistry, physics, or to refer to the degree of detail, like in a photograph. In medical terms... "Doctor, how long will it take this condition, symptom and inflammation to resolve itself?" I've asked. The answer is essentially always the same. "Time, willingness, patience."

I don't have specific resolutions for 2008. Through this ordeal, I have emphasized repeatedly that my rebound is day-to-day. Will I be where I was in a month, two or three, a year... Will I have to compromise and change my lifestyle priorities? Don't know. But the doc wants me walking by the end of January so they can do surgery on one of my crutch arms.

Regrets. Yeah, how about regrets. Should I have any? I've always been quick to advocate, "Life is too short." And the devil's advocate says, "You had it comin', BunceMan, ridin' that two-wheeler all over everywhere all the time." Sure, I (and you) can think back to a time when I wish I had made another decision, or not have said something out loud, or reacted differently physically or otherwise that caused someone else pain or shame, or taken a different route home on that infamous day in September. But regrets can be a double-edged sword. Do I pine for a better present state of affairs wishing I could go back and change the past, or do I regret for selfish reasons by blaming it on someone else? Not a thing I can do about the actions and consequences of the past except to learn from them. Indeed, a regret can be hard to reconcile, but reconcile I must and move on.

Ask Mr._____. He didn't blast me on purpose. It was an accident. Nevertheless, he has regrets he may grapple with for the rest of his life. Like driving with a suspended license and no car insurance. If he had relegated his privileges according to the law, he would not have been driving and I would have arrived home that late afternoon and my life would have gone on as usual. Like leaving the scene of the accident... I will not portend to fully understand the human psyche (including my own) and why it reacts to a given situation. But I have been so scared that my reaction was not rational and thus affected my best interests or those also affected. If I had it to do again...

Restitution: the restoration of something lost to its proper owner... to its proper state. Oh man, this is a tough one. I have lost a physical connection to an important part of my life. Whether I get it back, whether I want it back... well, like I said, it's day-to-day... wrestling with the flux of coming to grips with occurrences of the past, accepting resulting ramifications in the present, and fashioning an acceptable future.

Recompense... for injury or loss. I have medical and car insurance. And it has recompensed my twist of fate (good thing: hospital bill the night of the accident was $102k) Nevertheless, Peggy and I are and continue to be out-of-pocket with co-pays and various needed accommodations. If I had been on the other side of this metaphorical coin, I would not only have been compelled to be out-of-pocket financially, but psychologically, morally and, most importantly-- ethically bound to... jeez, how do I put it... if it's an accident and I'm responsible, I would be beside myself to help, mollify, "r"ectify, remedy, repair, resolve and put right that incident which I really didn't mean to make happen. But I can't expect others to share my own perspectives about whatever. As individuals, we all react differently in times of crisis. The world doesn't consist of like variables; it takes all kinds.

Redundant? Perhaps. So I'll stop rambling and route you to some random, (un)related links with regard to the key "r" words used above...

• According to Wikipedia, anything and everything to do with... Resonance - Resolution | Regret quotes | Restitution according to law | Googling Recompense, I linked to a company in England that recommends pound amounts for different levels of injuries to different body parts if claiming injury "that was not your fault.". For instance: £77,500 is recommended for a minimum, moderate injury to the brain. Further googling (£77,500 in dollars) translated that amount into $152,961.75.