11-6-07: Helplessness...

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In the beginning, I couldn't do anything for myself.. had to be lifted to and from a gurney to a bed to a wheelchair and back.

"We're going to inject you with this and have you pop these colorful pills to take away the pain."

And away the pain would go, as well as my grasp of reality as I struggled with hallucinations in a room of small lights and monitors and tubes and smocked attendants who kept me under constant surveillance.

Helpless. My fate dependent on the medical machine.

Six weeks later I'm not as helpless, but I still need help with lots of things, like going across town for a doctor's appointment. The round trip journey is done in a specially equipped van. My wheelchair is placed on a hydraulic lift to raise me into the specially equipped cab of the vehicle. Kent, the driver, then straps and secures my wheelchair to the floor. Once we've arrived at the doctor's office, everything must be undone, I'm positioned and lowered and wheeled into the office. Of course, the process is repeated on the return trip... and there's not a thing I can do to help.

Doing a two handed job with one hand... using my left hand to do that which I would normally do with my right... the one legged boost versus what would be a lot easier with two. Helplessness is not that which the human body takes very seriously when the mind becomes involved. Where determination forces adaptation, helplessness is no longer invited to the party.

I have trained to climb steep mountain passes. It's the same thing really, only now the challenge is the climb to normalcy.